I can’t talk really about it

no_talking

I wish I could. I need some support, but it’s no longer mostly my story to tell. And since he is no longer a very young child, it’s not really something that I want out on the internet in all it’s detail. It was different when he was very young. Then it was about him, but it was my story too.

Let’s just say I’ve failed as a mother in this area. Failed him in a big way.

I put my wants ahead of his needs & failed to understand that my interpretation of events was not actually what was going on.

I let myself take the path of least resistance and just hoped for the best for a long time.

When I did finally see through my frustration & annoyance to really see what was actually happening I failed to get the help he needed.

I accepted what was I was told & did what I was told, even though things never really got better.

For a long time I just waited. And in between waiting I got frustrated & angry. With him. For not getting better.

I was told it would get better.

I was holding up my end of the deal, doing what I was supposed to, so obviously the problem must be on his end.

He ought to be able to do something about it. He must be doing this out of spite.

I failed to have patience & understanding

And on it went.

Year after year.

They said it could take a couple years to sort this out.

When it lasted longer, I did look for answers, but what I got was variations of the same things I’d already been told.

Wait. Keep doing what you’re doing, it’ll get better eventually.

But it didn’t. And we were all more & more frustrated.

Except him. He seemed to find it funny, which just fueled my frustration with him.

I should have stepped up and demanded better answers. I should have insisted they help us more than they did.

I failed to be the advocate he needed.

Finally, years after this all began, years after it should have ended, now that it is causing new & different problems in other areas, I am at last being the mother I should have been. Insisting on getting more help, as I didn’t insist before

And we are getting different answers this time. We are being told to do different things, with a different timeline.

I don’t know yet if different is better but I feel like I’m being listened to now, being taken more seriously.

Probably some of that is due to his age & how long this has gone on; the situation can’t be brushed off as “Paranoid Mother Syndrome” any more, but I should have insisted on more sooner.

I failed to insist.  I failed to step up and demand more help.

I failed a lot. But I’m going to do better from now on.

We start something new in the next couple of days. Something that feels more promising than anything that has gone before. Something that I pray might actually start to make changes in this problem that has seemed so close to hopeless lately.

I can’t give you the specifics, but if you could, in the coming days & weeks, keep our family, their physical, mental & emotional well being, in your thoughts & prayers, I would greatly appreciate it.

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15 comments to I can’t talk really about it

  • Sending thoughts and prayers your way! I hope you’ll try not to beat yourself up….I’m learning that with all the “Books” on parenthood….there really isn’t a real book…..It’s a learning process…and there is never a cut and dry thing….I think that if you are doing all you can….to work on helping him….you are not a failure…..you’re being a great mom…..Happy SITS day!

  • So there with you. You can only do what seems best at the time, even if it turns out to have been wrong after the fact. We have been in this same mental space, though for all I know, from a totally different circumstance. My thoughts and prayers and support are with you. Seriously, if you need anything that I can help with from DC, whatever, let me know.

  • You can count on these thoughts and prayers. Try not to beat yourself up about the situation- we are all guilty of taking what the ‘professionals’ say as gospel truth. Cindy is right, we do what we think is best at any given time and we don’t always get it right. There is NO book that can deal with every aspect of parenthood, as it applies to your family…it is trial and error…you sound as though you are happy with the advice you are now being given- go with it …I sincerely hope it works.
    Hugs and prayers
    Alison xx

  • Debs

    Sorry to hear you are having a tough time at the moment,but please don’t blame yourself for anything that has happened or is happening right now. Being a mum is the most difficult job in the world, and there are no ‘rights’ and no ‘wrongs’ – we just muddle through doing what we feel is right at the time. Thinking of you all at this tough time and hoping you soon start to see improvements.

  • First and foremost, I am sorry that you are going through this difficult time. But please don’t be hard on yourself with feelings of regret. It honestly gets you no where. More importantly, with new information now coming out, it will drive you for better answers and help, and ultimately give you a better result in the long run.

  • Oh, Stacey, definitely sending thoughts and prayers your way. And don’t be so hard on yourself friend. Even without knowing what the specific issue is, I’m pretty sure that knowledge/treatment has changed A LOT in the last few years and whatever you’re looking at now may not have even been an option before.
    By the way, do you ever read the Made in Brooklyn blog (http://www.3peasinbrooklyn.com/)? She writes about being a parent and advocate and the things she’s learned.
    Hugs to you,
    Rinda

  • Kat

    Sending hugs over your way – hope all is going better now, and don’t be too hard on yourself.

  • SFD

    Woah. I had no idea.

    I’m sorry you’re struggling with these feelings; ultimately, you know you love your boys and wouldn’t consciously hurt them. Try and remember that, and if you want to email me, I’m here.

  • (((((HUGS)))))You did the best you could, with what you had, at the time. So often, as mothers, we get used to “them” telling us that something is all in our mind, or that they’ll grow out of it. I think we get a guilt IV when we give birth.
    It is my privilege to bring you and yours before the Throne. Above all, I pray that you will be able to rest in the Everlasting Arms. Hope your holiday is a good one.

  • I think many parents go through the thought process you outlined. and that fact you havent really told us what it is about makes it more relate-able to that many more people.

    like the people who already commented I dont believe you would ever intend your child harm and sometimes we just look back and wonder what if we would have done something different…

    but that doesn’t make you a failure or a bad parent… just a person, raising kids, without the manual everyone jokes they wish they had.

  • If you ever need to talk, and I mean really talk, I want you to know I would never judge you or your situation. I totally understand how a mother you just want the best for your kids and it’s hard to know what outcomes will be down the line. But you know what? The fact that you recognize that things should have been different and you are taking that road now— that means you are a good mom. You are a good mom and you are doing the best you can. And maybe you can help another mother out later down the line with same issues. Parenting doesn’t come with a manual so It hink we all just do the best we can do in that given moment. Big hugs for you.

  • Don’t beat yourself up. It’s hard to stand up when everyone who is supposed to know better says you’re wrong. You can’t be expected to do more than your best efforts.

  • I’m just reading this now … I’m so sorry for whatever is going on and I hope you find the *right* answers soon. We are not perfect – I think every single mom out there has felt what you are feeling right now, regardless of the cause. We do the best we can and sometimes we make choices that we second-guess later when more info is available. It doesn’t mean you’re a failure. It means you’re human. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  • Kai

    I agree with everyone who posted telling you to not beat yourself up. Hindsight is always 20/20 but when we’re IN the situation, we do as well as we can, with what we know at the time, and what we see in the moment. You are not shorting your child of ANYTHING… it’s all a proces, all a journey. You are following the path you need to now and that’s all that matters. A few years from now, it may be a different direction, and that’s all that matters THEN. No looking back, just look forward. Sending you HUGS!

  • But if it had worked back then? You would be none the wiser. If you hadn’t followed their advice back then and it hadn’t improved then how would you have felt? We are mums, not experts in children’s physiology, psychology etc. We HAVE to ask for advice and we have to take it because unless it feels wrong, we have no other option. Taking the advice that the experts gave you was the RIGHT thing to do, otherwise, why ask them? We carry enough guilt as mums without adding to it by second guessing the future. We do what we think is best at the time and if that’s the case there is nothing to feel bad about whatsoever. Thinking of you and yours and hoping that you guys are now on the right path.